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Just 3 short years ago, I
was in Dismas Charities, a halfway house, in Louisville, Ky. I
was preparing to meet the parole board on Feb 3, 2005. After a
very long and hard road, a hand full of people would decide my
fate. I had been incarcerated for the past year and away from my
children, for the first time in their life! Even though I was
physically only gone for a year…mentally and emotionally I had
been gone for several years. On Jan. 6, 2004 I had hit the
proverbial rock bottom that you always here about. I had
mounting financial problems, major legal issues and emotional
problems because of it all. And I kept it all buried deep
inside, as I did everything in my life. I couldn’t cope! I
couldn’t even think straight….I contemplated suicide, but
instead I cried out to God and prayed for Him to help me. Six
days later I was arrested. Now, it was another week or so before
I realized that God had answered my prayer, just not exactly the
way I had planned. But its not about our plans, its about His.
This was the start of a very long year for me, my family and
friends. but God used this time to change me and work in my
heart and life, like never before, He had my attention! There
were church ministries that helped me along the way, they gave
me a Bible and nurtured my spiritual life. They gave of their
time to share Jesus with me and others. That is why Prison
Ministry is important.
Its really hard to say when all of this started, but I guess to
go back to the very beginning would mean to start at age 10. I
know the things that happen to you as a child is no excuse as to
the choices you make as an adult, but I do believe that trauma
and things that you go through will effect the way you may make
choices and decisions in life…so please know that I am not, in
anyway making an excuse for my behavior as an adult. I was
sexually abused, at the age of 10, by my stepfather. I went to
my mother at 16 and told her about the abuse. Nothing was done
about the situation. I moved away from home at the age of 17 and
never went back. My mother is still married to this man today.
Needless to say this caused major problems in an already
dysfunctional family. For many years I thought I had forgiven my
mother until I was in jail and I realized that I still had
unforgiveness in my heart….Truthfully it was easier for me to
forgive him than it was to forgive her. I did make contact with
her and struggled with being a new Christian and still not
wanting a relationship with my mother. But anyway, through the
years I looked at sex as being loved and accepted…I know that it
is part of it, but I had a very screwed up sense of what it was
really all about, and therefore I was very open minded about
sex, pornography and etc. I’ve been married twice but the
meaning of marriage meant something different to me at that
time. At age of 10, when the sexual abuse started I kind of
moved into the role of mother and housewife….my mother always
worked 2nd and 3rd shifts and left me to take care of 3 younger
brothers, all household chores, cooking, baths, homework, etc…I
did learn valuable skills but had no childhood….because I was
placed in that role, I always felt that I had to be the strong
one to take care of everyone else, and pretty much have all my
life….if anyone has a problem, its me that they come too. Not
just family, but friends, associates at work, etc…even people I
go to church with. Don’t get me wrong, I am a people person and
I want nothing more than to be there when someone needs me. But
while I was taking care of everyone else, through the years, I
never learned to focus on me or take care of me…spiritually or
emotionally and even physically….I’ve always gone non stop and
on very little sleep. I know that my problems started early in
life and continued for years, but things really started to hit
me when my middle daughter, Rebecca, contracted Rocky Mountain
Spotted Fever …. She was 6 years old and had just started 1st
grade. This was one of the most difficult times of my life, I
felt so helpless, watching my child struggle to survive and
nothing I could do to fix her or make her well…because I have
always been a fixer! God chose to bring her through this, which
was nothing short of a miracle, because they refused to test her
for rocky mountain fever…I had to ask and finally get nasty
after being in the hospital for almost 3 weeks and watch my
daughter code on us twice to get them to test her for it and
then to treat her for it….But she did pull through, although it
left her with a serious seizure disorder that no meds, seemed to
be able to control. This changed the course of all of our lives,
forever. My marriage failed and ended within a year of her
illness and then it all went down hill…trying to deal with her
seizures, medicines, mounting bills, failed marriage, mental and
emotional struggles ..leaving a high paying job and taking less
money so I could be home more with her, did not help matters at
all. I did start my catering business, that I still own
today…and it has been one of God’s many blessings. But, when the
income went down and the bills were still coming in, I started
making wrong, bad and illegal choices….I embezzled money from my
employer…2 of them…I wrote many bad checks and opened quite a
few checking accounts trying to cover my butt!....It all finally
came to a head…I hit rock bottom…I was on probation for one
offense and just given probation for the 2nd when I hit that
bottom…on Jan. 6, 2004…That’s when God saved my life, both
spiritually and physically…..I accepted Christ on Jan 18, 2004
and things started changing in me. For 6 months I was in a one
room “pod” or cell…with no window’s and very seldom leaving it,
away from my girls and friends and family. I had so much guilt
for not being able to be there for Rebecca when she needed me
and just for all I had done to put myself there. But God used
that 6 months to really change me and my heart. My probation was
revoked…plus I was facing 20 years for all of those bank
accounts I opened and wrote checks on. God brought people into
my life that nurtured me spiritually and helped me along the
way. I began reading the Bible and, for the first time, could
understand what I was reading! At the end of the 6 months I was
moved to Fayette county to face probation hearing and the bank
charges….the judge ended up revoking me and I had to wait 60 to
90 days to file for shock probation….in the mean time God worked
a miracle and the other charges were all put in as one and I was
given 12 months instead of 20 years….I spent about 2 months in
Fayette county and then was moved to Peewee Valley. Ky
Correctional Institution for Women (prison). Now this was such a
hard move for me, because I was told I would serve my time in
Fayette county. But that is where God wanted me at the time. I
was only there for about 6 weeks before I was moved to Dismas in
Louisville…Now, let me explain something…over all these past
months anytime I was going through a tough time, or getting
ready to be moved or hit a rock wall in the legal system…God
would always send me a verse…Jeremiah 29:11. I would get a card
in the mail, or would be doing a Bible study or going to a
church service…some how, some way He would send me that verse.
Over the 4 days before moving to KCIW that verse came to me in
about 3 or 4 different ways…and as I was being transported I had
peace, because I knew God was letting me know that everything
would be ok. While at Dismas, I was given opportunities that I
would never had been given before…I was able to work, have my
own things…and be semi normal again. I participated in a mini
boot camp for kids and spoke to about 200 kids ranging in age
from 6 to 19…it was an amazing experience to be able to share
with them about my incarceration and what God had done in my
life. Through all of this I was able to witness to others and
even brought a couple of people to Christ…how amazing that was!
While at Peewee…my shock probation was denied and even though I
was upset, I knew God had a plan! I even had a woman come to me,
she was so full of bitterness and anger about her situation, and
she asked me how I could not be upset and hate God for keeping
me there…I explained that I put myself there by the choices I
made and that God would take care of me and I would leave there
when He was ready….even though I wanted to go home, how I
handled myself and put my trust in God was a witness to this
woman and those actions spoke louder to her than any words I
could have said at that moment. Within about 4 days I found out
I was moving to Dismas! How happy I was!
On Feb 3rd I traveled to LaGrange to the men’s prison to meet
the parole board via camera…I made it…they granted me parole. I
was finally going home! And within a week I was home and
reunited with my girls. At the time Rebecca was 11, Addie 9 and
Jamie 22. They had their mom back….only better than ever before.
They saw the changes in me and I taught them about God and
accepting Jesus. Now, I was home 10 days short a year when
Rebecca died. She had a seizure getting out of the shower and
the way she fell it cut off her air supply. Walking in and
finding her in the bottom of that tub was heart wrenching,
because I knew in my heart she was gone. I have had so many
people ask me how I deal with the loss of my child, on top of
everything else I have been through and this is what I tell
them…even though I miss her so much my heart and soul ache each
day for her I feel so blessed to have had her for 6 ½ years
longer than I believe was intended and I was so blessed to have
been home with her for her last year on earth….I never will
forget the night she came to me, after I was home a couple of
months, and told me she was ready to ask Jesus to come into her
heart…and sitting there on the couch and holding her hands and
praying with her as she accepted Christ, being baptized
together…her, Addie and myself. I was here for her first day of
middle school, her first school dance, her last birthday and all
of her last holidays. I had a very close relationship with her
over that year and we shared many secrets and hopes and dreams
of things she wanted to do. I will always cherish that year.
Rebecca always wanted to help children and saved all of her
money to give to the children's hospital…she wanted to be a
teacher and she had the most kindest and sweetest heart of
anyone I know….when she died I found out how she witnessed to
other kids and school and how many of them were touched by her
kindness and love for others, even when she wasn’t feeling well.
I never will forget the little boy that stood up and spoke to
me, when I went to clean out her locker, he told me that he had
been mean to Rebecca in the beginning of the school year, but
she still always helped him with his math and was always nice to
him and that he wished he could have been there when she had her
seizure because he would have saved her…I found out so much
about her and the many lives that she touched in her short 12
years and she still amazes me! I could have still been sitting
in prison when she died and how many men and women are in jails
and prisons that may never see their kids again. Many have had
their friends and family turn on them and want nothing to do
with them because of the mistakes they’ve made. This ministry is
so important…where would Jesus be if he were on earth today? In
the prisons and jails, with the homeless, the addicts, abusers,
thief’s, murderer’s and anyone who was lost and needed to be
saved! I can’t begin to tell you the help and resources that are
needed in this area….we are basically a new ministry to this
church and in under a year and a half we have grown so much…the
juvenile detention center, prisons, jails and the
Lighthouse….One of the most rewarding experiences for me was
when I was able to go back to Peewee Valley with the Bill Glass
Ministries as a visitor and share with the women there my story
and for them to see that God does have a plan and that there is
hope afterward. He can use you and your mistakes to make a
difference. The look on their faces when I told them that I was
where they were sitting and wearing those same tan uniforms as
they were wearing less than 2 years before…now I was home,
working and owned my business again. I look back on things and
realize that all that God brought me through was to prepare me
for this work and also the loss of my daughter…He is an amazing
God! The Lighthouse is where my heart is at the moment and I
feel is where God wants me, for now…the men there and the
ministry going on there has become so important and dear to
me…the people that I meet and share with….I just can’t put into
words how it blesses me!
I mentioned Jeremiah 29:11 earlier…the first Sunday I visited
NCC, I prayed for conformation that God wanted me in this
church, as I was leaving that day, I picked up a flyer on one of
the tables and as I walked out the door I looked down at it, and
there it was Jeremiah 29:11! What more needs to be said about
that! And about a year later is when I found out that we had a
prison ministry and when they announced it in church and that
our prison ministry was getting started and anyone interested to
contact George or Tom and of course the name of our ministry is
J29eleven, Wow….I still get chills thinking about it! Without my
past and the road that I traveled I would not be where I am
today!
Thank You GOD!!
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